Thursday, September 16, 2010

Blessed Be God Who Sent You to Me

During my quiet time this morning, I read the story of David and Abigail found in 1 Samuel 25. Basically, David and his men are roaming around the country fleeing from Saul. They find themselves amongst the shepherds of a man called Nabal. They deal well with these shepherds, protecting them and taking nothing from them. When they ask Nabal for food, he refuses. David suddenly kicks his men into high gear, amassing 400 of them, ready to go show Nabal who's boss. Nabal's wife, Abigail, a woman described as "intelligent and beautiful in appearance" (1 Samuel 25:3, NASB), hears about David's request and quickly loads up several donkeys with enough food to literally feed David's army. She meets David as he is coming to attack her foolish husband, persuades him not to take revenge into his own hands, and humbly offers the food she brought to David and his men. David relents, Nabal dies when he hears about it, and Abigail eventually becomes David's wife.

Ok, so you've probably heard that story at least once in Sunday School. And it teaches great lessons about wisdom and foolishness and trusting God to faithfully deal with the wicked and those who have wronged you, instead of taking matters into your own hands. But one thing that stuck out to me this morning was the very first interaction David and Abigail have. Although they are not yet married at this point, I think the lessons David and Abigail teach us in this story are extremely applicable to marriage.

Abigail: When she sees that David is about to take matters into his own hands and not leave vengeance to God, she humbly presents herself before him. She is not preachy or self-righteous. She even takes some of the blame onto herself (though she is blameless). She reminds David that God is going to be faithful to His promise to make him King of Israel and she encourages him that God is always taking care of him and preserving his life. She kindly and humbly steers David away from committing sin because she doesn't want to see him regret it later.

David: When confronted with Abigail's humble plea, David doesn't push her aside and continue on with his mission. He doesn't ignore her advice and encouragement or try to justify his intent. Rather, he blesses God for sending her to him, blesses her discernment, and blesses her for keeping him from committing sin.

What a wonderful example this is of the God-given responsibility a believing husband and wife have towards each other. And really, that all believers have towards each other. As you walk through your day, may you, like Abigail, examine yourself, gently and humbly restore one another, and bear each others' burdens (Galatians 6:1-2). And may you also, like David, receive correction well, let God handle those who wrong you, and trust Him continually to be faithful.

"Then David said to Abigail, "Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me, and blessed be your discernment, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodshed and from avenging myself by my own hand.""
1 Samuel 25:32-33, NASB

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Battle of the Kitchen

This post could also be entitled the battle of the laundry room. Or the fridge, etc.

If you're like me, you grew up in a home where your mom taught you how to do things pretty specifically. Like how to fold clothes, how to load the dishwasher, the juice always goes on the door of the fridge, etc. If you're like me, you might also be surprised to learn that your husband doesn't do things the same way you grew up doing them (*gasp!). The juice ends up on a shelf in the fridge, your underwear are suddenly being folded in a different direction, and the dishwasher never gets loaded quite the "right" way.

What's a girl to do? Do you get used to the plates turned the other way in the dishwasher? Do you quickly move the juice back to the fridge door when your husband isn't looking? Do you let your husband know that really your shirts like to be folded in thirds and not halves?

This is something I'm in the process of learning right now. I want to say first that my husband is extremely capable of doing all kinds of household chores. In fact, he often does them better and more thoroughly than I do! (Case in point: Laundry day rolls around. We have enough whites and colors for a half load each. David suggests washing the whites separately from the colors. Molly wants to throw them all in together. Molly does so and white undershirts come out with blue stains. Go David!) And, I also appreciate his willingness to help me around the house without complaining, even if he's had a long day at work. So no, I'm not using this post to laugh about the clumsiness of men. No no, if anything, I'm chiding myself for not always handling this the best way. Can anyone relate?

I think the most important thing to say about all of this is don't let it become a point of contention. Pick your battles. In fact, don't battle at all. This minuscule, temporary, earthy thing is not worth sacrificing the unity and harmony you have with each other.

Making suggestions is great, too. Sometimes I will show David the way I load the dishwasher or gently remind him that we need to put the juice back on the fridge door so that everything fits. But remember, you're not his mother. He's a grown man and he is just as capable of matching socks as you are. His mother (not you, surprise!) already taught him how to do these things when he was growing up (and his mother is not your mother, surprise surprise!).

Another thing to remember: compromise. Oftentimes when we clean up after dinner (thanks for the help hubby!), David will rinse off the dirty dishes and I'll load them into the dishwasher. Win-win: David helps me with household chores so I don't feel like I'm always the one doing them and I get to load the dishwasher the way I like it loaded. Oh, and win: we get to spend time together.

So girls (and maybe some of you guys), remember, the way your mama taught you to keep your house clean is good and valuable, but if a dish gets washed upside-down or backwards, it's still clean, right? Leave the battles to Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee. May you all have peace in your kitchens.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Proper Introduction

Our story begins in the early fall of 2005.

Molly's perspective:
My brother was moving to college, Bryan College, and so naturally, my family all pitched in to move his computer, bedding, laundry detergent, iron that would never be used, mini fridge, microwave, snacks, etc., all the way up to the fourth floor of his dorm. After a load or two of essential dorm room items (can you say Ramen noodles, anyone?), we were greeted in my brother's new room by the Resident Assistant of his hall.

Enter David!

Although David felt somewhat nervous about meeting a multitude of parents that move-in day and reassuring them that yes, he would take care of their sons and make sure they studied Freshman English and not Video Games 101, he was rather excited for his first year as an RA. When he met my family, he spoke with my brother and parents while my aunt and I stood in the background. I remember thinking he was kinda cute, after all, he was a college boy. To a highschool girl, college just adds +1,000 cute points to most every boy. David talked with my family, friendly and kind, but alas, I don't think I spoke two words to him. I probably wanted to (remember that whole cute points thing), but didn't. David, being preoccupied with helping my brother sort out his snacks, doesn't quite remember the little sister that tagged along that day. Little did he know...

Since my family didn't live too far away from Bryan, we often visited my brother, especially for concerts or plays. I remember seeing David again at a performance of Beethoven's Hallelujah. Since, by the end of my brother's first year at school, he and David had become good friends, David came to visit us in late May of 2006. This was when David really remembers meeting me, but I'll let him tell that part of the story. This was also the first time I met David's mom and dad,  and I remember thinking in my girlish, high-school, want-to-meet-future-husband-in-college mind, "I wonder if I'm meeting my future in-laws today?" Ha! I think there was some unrealized attraction there, don't you?

I began my freshman year at Bryan the following August. David and I started to become good friends. He was my brother's RA once again, so I spent alot of time with both of them. I would also sit with David at lunch in the cafeteria, and he helped me through the many boy trials that most freshman girls willingly encounter. By the end of freshman year, I counted David as one of my good friends, somewhat of an older brother figure.

Well, during the following summer of 2007, our relationship started to change. Unbeknowst to me, David's feelings were taking a different turn. This resulted in several visits up to Bryan to see my brother...oh wait, I mean, *cough cough, me. One weekend in October really started the wheels turning. We were enjoying a lovely fall afternoon with my visiting family and I began to realize that David was flirting with me!  Nothing too overt, but my mom picked up on it. Must be that mom radar. Anyway, that weekend, we spent time with my family, took a walk around campus together, and ended with a three hour conversation outside behind my dorm. Four hour phone conversations followed, as well as lots of instant messaging, until November, the day after Thanksgiving, David told me what I had already suspected...he liked me!

We started dating in December of 2007. David told me he loved me for the first time in September of 2008. And then, on October 10th, 2009, David popped the big question...will you marry me?!? It happened in a garden, in the woods, in a quiet place. The ring was perfect. I was completely shocked. And I said yes! We set our wedding date for July 10th, 2010, a couple months after I was to graduate from Bryan College. Months of planning ensued, dress shopping, cake testing, invitation creating, and on and on. The big day finally rolled around, and, despite the fact that my stomach thought it was a pretzel, I was so happy to take another step in the journey that had started years before. I felt such a peace knowing that I was marrying the man that God had picked out for me, and for whom I had prayed for years. Our story doesn't end at our wedding, it merely begins a new and wonderful chapter in our lives together.

David's perspective:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, ...it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

Besides flaunting my immense knowledge of British literature (COUGH SPUTTER CHOKE WHEEZE!!!), this passage always comes to mind when I think of the beginnings of Molly and my relationship. And Molly has nothing to do with the worst of times, just for the record.


I am an only child. I readily and happily admit it. My best friend growing up was my Super Nintendo. From the very beginning, I looked forward to the day when I would not be by myself anymore, which was my working definition of marriage as a kid and teenager. (Even now, my most favorite thing about being married to Molly is just our companionship, the intense sense of togetherness I feel with her). I was also the biggest nerd EVER in grade/high school. You don't want to even know. I cried when I made a 101 on a term paper in 5th grade, just in case you really did want to know. I had a great collection of friends all through my grade schooling, but I definitely did not attract the ladies. At least until I got my contacts as a junior, but even then the nerd tag is a hard one to shake.


I only give all that background to illustrate how strong the desire was in me for companionship, for someone to spend every day of my life with, someone to love, someone with whom to play two-player in Super Mario World. And everyone knows if you don't get married in college, you fall into a bottomless pit of solitude and despair that Jack Sparrow would be scared of. So with that perspective, a nerdy 18 year old valedictorian named David arrived rather timid and bewildered at Bryan. 


College was many things to me. At first, it was a place where I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Which translated into playing SNES emulators till midnight, then doing homework till 4am. It was also a place where I could become known as a not-nerd. It was also that place where you avoid falling into the bottomless pit. I did everything on my own in that regard; I spent all four years trying to fit what I wanted into God's plans. Surprise surprise, that doesn't work very well.

Long story less long, after a very gentle, non-violent breakup in the summer of 2007, I was at the end of myself. Best of times? I was 22, out of a delightful four years at Bryan, had a great degree, good friends, no college loans, had the world by the tail. Worst of times? I wallowed about in that pit of despair. I have never been so intensely angry and hateful inside in my life. I hated God, for letting me get myself into the mess I had made (real logical, I know). I hated my life because I was still single. I worked for an office furniture company, and I had to that point felt called to missions of some kind. I was realizing I had wasted so much time at Bryan trying to make something happen that I had no business making happen. I was so desperate I started listening to Kelly Clarkson...

So in these best of times/worst of times, along came a spunky, beautiful, modest, charming, talented Molly. God decided to bring Molly and I together when I was most angry, undeserving, and unloveable. Inside, I felt like I had screamed at God all summer, finally given up, and God said "Ok, thanks for that, you've given me a rusted-out Ford Fiesta, and all along I've had this Ferrari F430 over here I hand-made for you. See if you like it better."

I had always liked Molly a lot (you'd think that'd be a clue that maybe I should pursue her. Guys really ARE dense), but I really hadn't considered dating her. She was beautiful. Her mom was CRAZY about me. Her brother was my best friend. She was as crazy about baseball as I was. She was cute as 5 kittens combined. She almost asked me to Christmas banquet my senior year by kidnapping me. We loved having lunch together and just catching up. Better yet, she listened to me, confided in me, and thought I was great. Those months that I got to know her and began pursuing her, God was finally free to work in me because I had completely given up in every part of my life. I always tell Molly that dating her was the easiest thing I have ever done, because it was one of the first times I had truly let God work in my life. God brought to me the most wonderful woman He ever made, and He chose to begin giving her to me when I was the most rebellious I have ever been towards Him. Look no further for an illustration of God's sacrificial love towards us.

The months and years of our relationship that followed have been the most rewarding, enriching, and fulfilling times of my life. God has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginations. Marrying my love was more simple and carefree than I ever thought it would be. I love our story because I love how much God is in it, and I hope that this blog of our story can be an encouragement to you, no matter who you are or where you are in life.


This blog:
Well, that's our story in a rather large nutshell. Why this blog? We both feel so deeply blessed by the path God has brought us on together and we have learned many lessons along the way. We're not perfect, we haven't learned those lessons perfectly, and we still have a long way to go. But we felt that by sharing our stories and experiences, we might be able to help other people, singles or couples, men or women, in their journeys. From thoughtful reflection to practical advice (remember to get someone to cut your cake at your wedding...like I didn't), we hope this blog will be encouraging to you and maybe help you just a little bit along the way. We welcome comments and we look forward to growing along with you. So...welcome to The Marriage Files!